Well I've been unemployed for a while, stagnating and doing absolutely nothing with my life aside for fixing up my house some. I Hope that now that I've expelled some of my negativity from my private life I can concentrate on things like work and art. Maybe those two things will be one in the same who knows. I plan to implement my Wacom tablet in Photoshop and maybe even Illustrator. I might be upgrading my comp, allowing me to use these programs as intended without a half second wait per brush stroke. This will hopefully allow me to produce some art for you all to enjoy in the relatively soon future.

Pessimism sucks, even though it might help when investing, don't be pessimistic normally.

I guess this big ole heart I have just needs someone to love.
/
I really like my job, and things are slowly moving along.
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I found I still really miss my father, I guess that'll never change, everyday that I do my best at whatever I did that day I feel a personal pride, but that all came from him. He never wanted anything from me, just to grow up happy, and to do what I thought was the right thing.
/
I need to learn how to pat myself on the back.

It's not NEW news but I've a job now, and well everything in general is looking up. I'm finishing up my last class for my associates, and it's a fun photojournalism class, though I need to stop putting off doing the work. I've been so busy hanging out and enjoying life lately it's been great. I think I'm going to slow down a bit though because I don't want to burn though all my cash and all my energy. I've been meeting new people having new experiences and getting a bunch of old EVC group drama out of the way. Chris, my room mate, finally got himself a job and so my month of supporting his brokeness is finally over. I try not to bug him to much about money issues but my mother (his landlord) bugs me about it every other day. So Chris is going to be busy and employed and that's good, X-tal and Marisol drama is almost concluded, and I'm hanging out with some new girls on a regular basis. It's like everything that previously sucked has ceased to be. Of course this makes Chris nice and jealous because he still has crappy things happen to him but he'll get through it.

I am still trying to find a place that will develop my black and white film and scan it at a decent resolution for cheap. I've found a bunch of places but they are all for professionals and it's like 20$+ a roll ... Nuts to that. I've got 9 rolls of undeveloped film, so I don't feel like dropping 200$ :-/

Ohh and Kudos to everyone out there that makes me smile. You know who you are

.. Last class, Photo Journalism then I'm out of that place. Thinking maybe BMCC for design class or something afterwards. Ohh and Chris is moving in with us.. so that's going to create a whole bunch of interesting umm points of interests or something.
Time to get organized kick my ass into second gear and like get shit done.
I hopefully will be drawing more neat pencil drawings in the near future but I need to fix two sinks, a bath tub seal , and clean the garage, move stuff from a room into that garage , and then move my friend into that room. all by like Tuesday.. I should always paint the bathroom ceiling as its majorly chipping.. :-/

300 the movie is a visual experience unparalleled in its magnitude so far. I finally saw it, and I think it was the square root of awesome.

I'm now 22 as of today.
I'm down right now, because a year ago I was trying to make sure I wouldn't be in the same position I was then, a year later. I still am in the same position a year later. The things that saddens me is that I'm lacking this drive, I haven't a true reason to do anything it seems, I'm just surviving from day to day keeping myself entertained until I pass out and bring about the next day. I resent this existence, but can not will myself to want more, because I can't see what it is that I want out of life. I have everything I could want out of life right now, a loving family, good friends, and no stress. I'm living a continual vacation with the ever nagging knowledge that my time is ticking away and eventually all of it will come to an end. Almost all my self respect is gone. I seem that I have no urge to attend college anymore, but I love being in the classes. I feel I've given up on myself and as much as I want to succeed, that montage of progressive good things that leads to my personal success just isn't starting. Each day I wake up it's the same.

It's not my father's fault, as he had no decision in his untimely demise, but as my father passed I lost a large part of my heart and soul. It wasn't his death that ravaged me though.. it was the long time I spent with him before his death. his fight against cancer spanned years, and each day I was there watching him get weaker and weaker, and not being able to do anything about it. I'm a very caring, empathetic, and loving man and as he was wasting away before me I couldn't help but feel miserable. I was told it's allright and it's the natural way etc, and so I never felt bad particularly that he died, but each day he was alive and living with me but yet not being able to be my father, the man I grew looking up to and never saw the weak side of, was a day that I had shut my heart off a little more. I would not bear the fact that he was this weak shell of his former self. I could not bear the responsibility thrust upon me. I was not ready.

I have not regained the dreaming self I once was. I lost a big part of myself with my father. I lost the aspirations, I lost the desire, the drive, the passion... The days have turned to a collection of grays now. I'm not bitter, hate, resent,or have other harsh feelings. But I can't dream or wish, or desire something better. I'm stuck in a pit of indifference. It's like my father died, and I am touring purgatory.

This Birthday, I had not one thing to request from anyone. Well I wish I could still dream, I wish I could still hope, I wish I could still desire, I wish I could... find someone to make me want to be a better person again.

I wonder if this tops the other journal entry in making me sound emo or something. I'm just typing it out as I discover out why I feel like crud, via introspecting.

And if you want to blame anyone for the long journal entry, let it be the 7-11 guy who dropped the last taquito as I ordered it. Honestly if you have tongs specifically designed for holding something and still manage to drop it when just standing there... uggh fuckin retard